Once Upon A Time
by ficklemuse
Summary: Severus relives some painful memories concerning both Lily and James.


_Well, then, it must be natural ability! _

_It must be natural ability!_

_Natural ability…  
_

As he sat in his office thinking back on Horace Slughorn's words, Severus felt a familiar ache in his chest. It was a mixture of hate, admiration, and self-loathing all residing over the chasm that some might call a heart. Potter's sudden skill in Potions was certainly unexpected, but Slughorn's idea that it might be an inherited talent had driven Severus back to memories and thoughts of things that he had long since tried to forget.

Summoning his pensieve from the cupboard in front of him, Severus siphoned those memories from his mind, the tangle of thoughts shining brightly in the dim, cavernous dungeon that was his office. The web of memories fell into the pensieve without a sound and Severus watched them swirl, silver spirals meandering near the surface. Knowing he wouldn't be able to put it aside again until he'd relived his horrible experiences, he prodded the shimmering substance and watched the events unfold.

Throughout his seven years in Hogwarts, Severus had struggled and fought for his place in the social hierarchy. Only through careful actions and keen calculations had he finally managed to place himself within the Slytherins' inner circle. He had kept his 'lineage' a carefully secret from the likes of Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Black, knowing very well that he'd be cast out of their little coterie if they ever found out. He excelled in Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts but he wasn't good enough. His loathing for second place status in Potions class was further fuelled by the fact that he was behind Lily Evans, a mudblood. She was naturally brilliant in all aspects of her educational life and Severus hated her as much as he admired her. It was beyond him how she could be so talented and lack a pureblood heritage.

For years Severus had pretended that his respect for Lily was based on her Potions work but by fifth year he knew things had changed.

_ Turning to face his partner, Severus commented, "You think you're quite good, don't you?"_

"_Uh, yeah, I suppose. It's just a sort of natural ability, eh?" Lily answered, stunned. She'd never spoken to Severus before, he was usually too busy scribbling odd notes in his potions texts or muttering over a cauldron. _

"_Perhaps."  
_

Thinking back on that single conversation, Severus painfully remembered the rosy colour of Lily's cheeks as she blushed, the way she would grin when she was surprised, and the way her eyes seem to shine even brighter than usual when she was complimented. At the same time, he loathed the memory of his awkward, teenage self. His fifteen year old past self was an ungainly, stuttering fool who knew nothing of controlling his emotions; that particular skill had come many years later and at a great price.

It didn't take long for Severus to relinquish any hope of ever being acquaintances, let alone friends or more, with Lily Evans. Of course, those idiots, Potter and Black, had to be involved. Chaos was practically synonymous with their names.

_ Severus mouth filled with foam and pink bubbles as James shouted, "_Scourgify". _His situation only worsened as he saw a familiar person with beautiful emerald eyes approaching the idiotic duo._

"_Leave him ALONE!"  
_

Severus still wondered how much more absurd he could've been as he recalled the next chain of events from that fateful day.

_"Take the curse of him, then!" Lily shouted, denying James' request for a date. _

_Severus couldn't imagine a worse scenario. There he was, hanging upside in midair, in front of Lily Evans, who was possibly the smartest and most beautiful girl in his year. All the while, Potter and Black, the bane of his existence, laughed at their latest form of torture as everyone else watched. As if that weren't enough, the hex that had put him in this predicament was one of his own and Severus had no idea how in the world they had learned it. _

_Finally, James sighed deeply and mumbled the counter curse. Looking at Severus with pure, undiluted disgust he exclaimed, "There you go! You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus…"_

"_I don't need help from a filthy little /I _Mudblood_ I like her!" _

Shaking his head, Severus sighed and questioned his lack of sanity as a teenage boy. It was this series of events that led him down his path as a Death Eater. That nefarious remark was a catalyst that sent his whole world spinning. It caused him to lose any and all of Lily's respect in a single, fractured instant and had set him up for a life of self-loathing and murder. It was barely two years later that Severus saw the one sight that would finally break his tether to humanity and common morality.

_Wrapped in a thick Slytherin scarf, Severus trudged up the path towards Hogwarts. It had been another typical visit to Hogsmeade and had resulted in nothing but a chance to see the world beyond the school's boundaries. The trip had proved useful, however, as it gave him a chance to purchase a new set of quills while also allowing him some time away from his studies._

_As he approached the courtyard near the entrance, Severus heard the unmistakeable sound of Lily's jovial laughter. Ignoring his brain's many frantic warnings, all of which were positively screeching, "Ignore it!" Severus' feet guided him to a sheltered area behind a stone arch. His stomach lurched at the sight before him; Potter and Evans were sitting on a granite bench holding hands, as Lily laughed while James explained something with dramatic hand gestures._

_Severus could hear the beating of his heart as the story ended and the courtyard grew quiet. All of his instincts howled for him to turn around and walk away but Severus wasn't listening. Rooted to the spot, Severus watched silently as Potter reached out to give Lily's hair a stubborn tug. She grinned and leaned in towards his hand, enjoying the playful gesture. The couple leaned in close and Severus closed his eyes, turning away as the last embers of hope died in his chest.  
_

He never forgot that moment. Even now, as he sat in his study watching his thoughts swim about he wished he could undo those actions. He wished he had never seen the pair of them. It was the thought of them together that helped him endure the pain of serving Voldemort. In the end, Severus had led himself to believe that Lily, a clever, Muggleborn witch, had chosen James sodding Potter over Severus because of his pureblood status. Because ultimately, all that had mattered to him back then was blood purity. Lily was an anomaly. Her non-magical blood lineage was a mistake of the Fates; she had all the makings of a pureblood witch.

Or so he thought then. So had Severus thought when he passed on fragments of the prophecy and given Voldemort a reason to kill Harry Potter. When Severus had given the Dark Lord a reason to kill Lily, the one person whom he had truly cared for once upon a time.


End file.
